Drowning: Navigating moments when you are feeling low

There are many moments in life when we wish we had a button to press stop or fast forward.

Pause on the moment where our heart shatters into a million pieces.

Fast forward when sadness feels consuming.

Pause when the depth of our emotions feels like we might drown in it.

Fast forward to better days.

But that is a luxury we don’t have, and while some can avoid the feelings for a while, there comes a time where our bodies and mind tell us we have to let it out. Tears, anger, fear… they can creep up on us and hold us hostage. But it doesn’t have to be for long.

You see, when life feels unstable, perhaps even unsafe, we often lose our connection to the things that ground us. Grounding, while can be physical (like body scans or mindfulness techniques), can also mean connected to the people and things that matter most to us. But how?

When hope seems to be lost, how do we connect when it feels like our emotions are running the show? There is no simple answer but here are three things that can help in those moments.

1. Intentional feeling

Researchers across the world have agreed that bottling things up will only make it worse. But when we give ourself space to truly feel and connect to our emotions, we release the pressure on ourselves to hide.

This isn’t a magic fix, nor is it a promise that the feelings won’t return, but what it can offer you is space and time to honour what your body and mind is trying to tell you.

Even for a minute.

60 seconds, that’s it.

Set a timer, and focus on the discomfort. Where does it sit? What does it feel like? Is it central? Everywhere? As time passes, how does the feeling change? You will notice that overtime that these emotions feel less scary, less intimating, and less eclipsing.

Note: it is so important in this small exercise that you aim not to ruminate on the object or situation that has maybe prompted the emotions - it is not about what happened, it’s about what you are experiencing in this window of time.

• If you find yourself ruminating, bring your focus back as many times as you need. Don’t worry how many times, it is more important to disrupt rumination than to get through this exercise without thoughts drifting.

2. Values

So you let yourself feel…What a huge step! It is now time to give yourself the space you need to reconnect with that matters to you.

We are not ignoring what has happened, but we are shifting our focus to our values to give us a more stable base to work on as we process our struggles.

Values are dynamic, personal, and have feed different parts of who we are. Everyone has values and it’s somethings hard to really know what they are without reflecting on them.

I recommend picking your top 5 values that resonate with you in this time of your life. If you are unsure what they may be here is a sample list of values people are often drawn to from Russ Harris an Acceptance and Commitment Therapist and trainer. This is a free tool for you to use, and you can turn it into a moment of self-care. Grab a cup of something relaxing (I am partial to a chai), be in a space that you enjoy whether it be a café or bedroom, and pop some music in. Give yourself the time and space to explore what it important to you.

And because I believe in practicing what you preach, here is an example of my values: genuineness, empathy, family, creativity, and curiosity. Once you have your top 5, go through them and ask yourself how can you reconnect with these values? If it helps, you can plan that connecting activity using the Who, What, Where, When, How approach. Answer each and by the end you will have a solid plan.

Need an example?

Value: Family

• Who: Me and my siblings

• What: A group call

• Where: On a walk in the park

• When: Saturday

• How: Text them and ask them to put it on their calendars, if they are free

3. Recognize time

Now, you have tuned into your sensations and reconnected/acknowledged the things that matter most to you. Amazing. This one may be a little harder but it’s worth it.

Our brains work on a 'don’t die’ mechanism. This means we are wired to remember the negative experiences in life, because in theory, those experiences that are flagged as dangerous, and our brains are trying to ‘help’ us not die. Unfortunately, we don’t really face the same problem we once did in the ancient world of humans. Of course, modern life carries very real dangers, so this mechanism is not lost on us. It is important.

But when it is activated in times where the danger is small but the reaction is BIG, it causes a lot of grief. So I offer you the recognition of time in those very moments where you notice your emotions are intense and big.

As you practice the idea of being mindful of how much time is passing when you are experiencing those low emotions, you may find that it is a small portion of the day. If not, that is okay. Go wider.

You have come so far, and your life is not defined by the moments where you feel like you are drowning.

Remind yourself of the moments where you felt secure, strong, and safe. Those moments are real evidence that you can process and move forward to where you want to be.

Remember to connect and do

Of course, even if you do all of the above, that does not change that your experiences are just as valid as the emotions you hold. In these time, support from others is invaluable. Connecting with friends, family, your GP or therapist — whoever you need in that moment — offers you the support that can help you process. Sometimes it’s about doing the things you don’t want to in order to kick start the process. So even if it is going outside, when all you want to do is hide. You might surprise yourself with how strong you really are.