When the festivities aren’t fun: coping over the holidays
The holidays suck sometimes. While we hope for them to be as idyllic as Instagram tells us they should be, the perfect holiday rarely exists. Most people have to work or see family members they’d rather not, and it’s a difficult time to navigate. This is largely because of the unspoken rules of the holidays. Some of my least‑favourite, but pervasive, rules include answering questions about yourself from family or people who don’t speak to you the rest of the year, accepting compliments for weight loss when the reason you lost weight was stress, feeling like you have to be social the whole season, and, lastly, the compulsive comparison of your own experience to everyone else’s. These are just a few examples of rules that can ruin the end of the year, but there are ways to navigate them and reframe the holidays into something more special (and less stressful!).
I know, as a therapist, I am 1000 % biased with that statement, but I believe it with my whole heart. I’m also a firm believer in practicing what you preach—so all the following recommendations are things I have tried. I call it my list of “when,” which roughly translates to “this has happened before, and will likely happen again, if it hasn’t already.”
When family becomes too much, focus on your needs. Ask yourself: What do I need in that moment? A safe, quiet space? Someone to talk to who isn’t part of the overwhelming feelings? My top tip, before the holiday festivities begin, is to have a list of things that ground you—a note on your phone or a post‑it. When we have a small item that acts as a guide, coping becomes easier.
When you feel alone, reconnect IRL. Feeling isolated over the holidays is no laughing matter. It can be one of the most isolating times of the year, especially when you live in a place where it gets dark at 15:30. Reconnecting with someone, or something, can make a big difference. There’s no pressure: simply ask someone for a coffee or tea (bring your own always works too), meet up for a walk (or a pint), or, dare I say, give someone a call. (If this last recommendation feels too big, you can always text first.) Humans are social animals, and while alone time is an amazing form of self‑care, connecting with another person is equally important. That’s why services like Shout (text 85258) and Samaritans (phone 116 123) exist — to be there for you when things get hard and provide a safe space to talk.
When words hurt, communicate and regroup. If there’s anything the holidays do well, it’s disabling the verbal filter we normally have. People can say things that hurt us, whether they mean to or not: “When are you getting married?”, “When are you having a baby?”, “No job yet?”, “Did you lose weight? Gain?” It’s like the holidays give people a pass to be thoughtless (spoiler: they don’t). With these questions, we can meet them with communication. Even if you don’t feel comfortable saying, “What you just said isn’t okay,” simply conveying that you need some space is fine too. This might look like: “I need a moment. I’ll be back,” or “I feel uncomfortable, I’m going to go.” Those words take seconds, but giving yourself space away from toxic language can save hours of discomfort.
When expectations aren’t met, ask yourself what those expectations mean to you. This one is likely the heaviest hitter. Disappointment often creeps up on people at this time of year; however, it’s also the perfect moment to reflect. We all have hidden wants and desires that we don’t vocalise, so we rely on others to meet our expectations without any guidance, leading to failure. If you find yourself let down, ask: What were my expectations in that moment? Did you communicate your hopes? The answer defines your next steps—if you didn’t, then perhaps offering some empathy and kindness (people can’t read minds) and opening a dialogue is needed. If you did, I feel for you. You established something as desired, but it still wasn’t met. Take a beat. There is likely a reason your expectations weren’t met, and if it was important to you, having an open and honest conversation may be the best way forward.
“There is likely a reason your expectations weren’t met, and if it was important to you, having an open and honest conversation may be the best way forward.”
The holidays for many can be joyous, but sometimes we have to work a little harder for that joy than we hope. This holiday season, approaching events, days, and people with an observer’s approach can be helpful. Offer yourself kindness when you feel sad or disappointed, because your feelings are valid. Ultimately, connect by communicating. You don’t have to navigate the world alone; you can bring people in by telling them how you feel or what you hope for. Together you can move forward and remind yourself that you have the power—and that the holidays don’t last forever.
